Breaking Dawn (#4 of Twilight Series) **
By Stephenie Meyer
Sad to say, the last installment of the Twilight series is fairly disappointing. Exploration of deeper themes that are foreshadowed in previous installments--the meaning of humanity, the value and consequences of moral action, or vampirism as a metaphor for the closeted, marginalized or "differently abled"--generally peter out into a limp "true love will find a way" teen romance begging for a Celine Dion soundtrack.
For anybody who still cares **SPOILERS DOWN BELOW!**
Human Girl and Vampire Boy get married. Vampire Sister obsessed with haute couture "does" the wedding. Her her excessive fashion spending is excused because she donates a lot to Good Will (I'm not making this up).
Vampire Family now resembles upwardly mobile Republican WASPs with charitable impulses, good skin care regimen, nice threads, tastefully decorated home and classic car collection. You can almost picture their Christmas newsletter, with the whole fam in matching sweaters gathered round the tree with their golden retriever, Buckley.
Human Girl and Vampire Boy get laid. Finally. But Vampire Boy feels guilty for unintentionally rough sex and decides to nobly deny himself marital pleasures and distract Human Girl with exhausting swims in the coral reef to look at pretty fish.
Too late, though, as three days into the honeymoon, Human Girl is puking and showing a baby bump. Worry wart Vampire Boy is sure this will kill her and takes her home for an abortion. She has other ideas.
Wolfman takes over narration, since Human Girl indisposed with high-risk pregnancy, thus providing best narrative sequence in the book. Wolfman actually talks and think like a teenage boy--e.g., fights with other werewolves over bags of Doritos, tells blonde jokes to haughty Vampire Sister, and has rebellious confrontations with Alpha male in his wolf pack. This segment ALMOST makes up for Weird Science gibberish from Dad Vampire, who tries to explain the genetics of vampirism, as they all wring their hands over Human Girl's impending delivery of Monster Baby. Human Girl is in bad shape (think "Rosemary's Baby") until Wolfman suggests she drinks some blood. Because seven vampires who LIVE on blood and are expecting a half-vampire baby cannot figure this out. Duh.
Human Girl finally becomes Newly Born Vampire Girl. In the most graphic, psyche-scarring obstetrical scene I have ever read (puzzling given Meyer's unwillingness to write about anything sexual that happens below the collar bone), Human Girl is badly mangled in delivering Monster Baby. Only way to save her is to render her Undead while she's unconscious, thus detracting from the drama of whether she should "convert" to vampirism and, worse, taking the final decision away from her, leaving it to the men to handle.
When Human Girl wakes up as a Newly Born Vampire Girl, she and Vampire Boy discover that they share a taste for mountain lion (awwww), and she learns how to suck the blood out of an elk without getting her blouse messy. Doting Vampire Sisters and Brothers babysit Monster Baby.
Former Human Girl's love for Wolfman is resolved when Wolfman "imprints" (finds his life's soulmate) on Monster Baby. Imprinting is explained in another book in order to prevent it from sounding like pedophilia (think Mr. Knightley hanging around waiting for Emma in the Austen novel). Anyway, that gets rid of Wolfman as a problem for Vampire Girl et ux.
Vampire Girl and Vampire Boy have great vampire sex in cottage Vampire Mom designs just for them as a wedding present. Newly Born Vampire Girl squeals with delight when she realizes she will have hot 18-year-old bod forever, "every woman's dream." Vampire Sister fills closets with more couture.
Big vampire showdown finale. Monster Baby moves from infancy to toddlerdom in a matter of weeks, and head vampires from Italy are afraid she'll blow vampire cover to the humans.
Some good back story here about how child vampires are invariably feral and can't keep their vampirism in the closet so are summarily executed. Meyer ducks the moral implications of killing vampire children, though, by making Monster Baby only a half-vampire who CAN control blabbermouth urges, so she is spared.
Other half-human/half-vampires are discovered. Vampire Girl learns to flex her new Undead powers which greatly enhances already great vampire sex. For eternity.
Hang out the garlic and pray this is the end of the series.
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